


Jingle My Bells

by Cornflower



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: All the 104th squad are kids except eren, Christmas AU, Eren makes a fool of himself as always, F/M, Jean is such a flirt, Lame christmas puns, Levi hates Christmas, M/M, Multi, Rated teen for Levi's perviness, Santa! Levi, This is supposed to be funny, Ugly Christmas Sweaters, awful pick up lines, lots of fluff, older brother! Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-02 13:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2813618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornflower/pseuds/Cornflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are four stages in a mans life:<br/>1. You believe in Santa<br/>2. You don’t believe in Santa<br/>3. You dress up as Santa<br/>4. You look like Santa </p><p>Levi may have skipped the first stage, but he can't seem to avoid facing stage three. </p><p>(That one fic where Levi's forced to work as a mall Santa and won't stop scaring the kids. Hanji had told him to keep things PG, but there's one green eyed brat that looks way to old to be getting pictures with Old St. Nick.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jingle My Bells

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I feel like there aren't enough funny Ereri Christmas Fanfics and I've always wanted to write Levi as a grumpy mall Santa. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Marco, and Annie are all kids in this, just to make things clear. Also, I listened to the song 'Jingle Bell Rock,' the Glee version the entire time writing this fanfic so if you want to get in the mood, try giving that a listen.
> 
> Please keep reading -- it's gets funny later on! (I hope)
> 
> Enjoy ~
> 
> Tumblr: snk-abridged

 

"Hanji I swear to god if you are calling to make me sample _another_ one of your fucking fruit cakes, I won't hesitate to shove one up your ass." That women is bat shit crazy.

 

"Now isn't time for your shitty Christmas humor Levi! I'm in a real pinch and need your help!"  I let out a sigh. Hanji owns the local mall in Shiganshina, and every year I'm stuck helping her with _something_ to do with this god awful holiday. I thought I'd gotten lucky when the first two weeks of December had gone by without any tasks thrown at me, but I guess I was wrong.

 

"Okay, so please don't kill me but Auroro was _supposed_ to be the mall Santa this year and now he's bailing on me last minute and I _really_ need a replacement-- No Levi just let me finish! The line up for photos starts in an hour and if there was anyone else available I obviously would have called them beforehand since we all know how terrible you are with kids but I need you to do me this one favor just for tonight-"

 

"Hell no. Do I look like fucking Kris Kringle to you? You know kids hate me and the feeling is no doubt mutual. Surely your big ass tree of a boyfriend can do it." 

 

"Mike is out of town visiting family! And don't even mention Erwin, you know he works late Friday nights." Well fuck me with a candycane. Even the idea of wearing wool gives me the chills, and if my six pack says anything, I'm gonna have to stuff myself with a mountain of pillows. I could just decline, but Hanji's my closest friend. We have a give and take sort of relationship, and this is just one big take on her part. I _do_ owe shit glasses after killing her goldfish Bean (it was an accident, I'm not _that_ evil,) but not even 10 years of friendship was worth _this_. 

 

"No. I am not spending my Friday evening wiping snot off a bunch of brats." I heard a whimper on the other end of the phone,

 

"PLEASE! I will pay you double, no triple minimum wage! Just sit there for three hours and try to smile for the camera -- oh and you also might wanna wear heeled boots since you're kinda short." I'm sure the women could feel my deadly glare through the phone because she promptly disregarded that last thought the second it left her mouth. 

 

This could not get any worse. I could make a break for it -- lie and say my cat's having a seizure, but Hanji would never fall for it. I rubbed my temples as I tried to take my mind off all the sticky hands I'd have to sanitize tonight. 

 

"You owe me big time shit glasses. I'm missing Breaking Bad for this."

 

 

***

 

If one more fucking brat comments on my height, I'll be thrown in jail for strangling an infant -- I'd prefer to be in prison if I could take off this long-ass beard. After all these years, I've forgotten how stupid kids can be. They just keep asking the same goddamn questions,

_"Are you really Santa Claus?"_

_"You're a grumpy looking Santa."_

_"You're short. Are you sure you're not just an elf?"_

Last time I checked I'm taller than all these half pint brats, and how can they even tell I'm shorter than average! These kids have no manners whatsoever when it comes to personal fucking space, and I've been chastised by Hanji twice so far for trying to spray the brats with Lysol. It's not my fault parents see my child cleaning regimen as 'unethical and abusive'.

 

Great. The next kid in line is looks like some sort of distorted mule. The brat's barely 7 years old, but that doesn't stop him from trying (major emphasis on  _trying_ ) to pick up chicks,

 

"Hey Annie, why does Santa have three gardens? Not gonna answer, okay -- because he like to hoe hoe hoe!" Does that even count as flirting? 

 

" _You're_ a hoe." The impassive blonde deadpans before she takes her leave. I subconsciously pray that she would come back and take horse faces place. 

 

"Why won't anyone love me Marco?" Maybe it's cause of your fucked up hair. That two toned mess is an abomination to undercuts everywhere. The freckled kid beside horse radish, who I am assuming is Marco gives the boy a gentle smile,

 

"C'mon Jeany, cheer up. I'm sure one day you'll marry the prettiest girl in the whole world and you won't even have to force her to love you."

 

"Thanks man, that means a lot." Jeany sniffs. I'm sorry, but was that supposed to be reassuring?

 

Once the two are let through the gate, horse face gives me a look of doubt. Can't really blame him -- I _am_ a 5' 3" french man with cotton balls glued to my fucking face. Before the kid can even open his mouth to comment, freckles starts to beam,

 

"Oh my gosh. This is such an honor Santa Claus sir! I just want to tell you how grateful I am that you work so hard delivering presents to all the kids in the world every year. One day I hope to offer my heart up to you and work as one of your elves!" Now I'm looking at the kid as if he'd grown a second head, then make the huge mistake of letting out a snort. 

 

"What's wrong Santa Claus sir?" Crap on a cracker, now I feel bad for the freckled kid. 

 

"Nothing kid, that's a..." _fuck,_ "an interesting dream you've got there, so, good luck with that -- why don't you come sit on Santa's lap so we can get this over with." The king of awkward everybody. Well Hanji did say to behave, and this _was_  the nicest I've been to a kid so far. Marco climbed onto my lap without complaint, his bright smile showing off a large gap where one of his baby teeth had fallen out. When horse face makes no move to join us I attempt to hide my irritation,

 

"Hey Jeany boy, (fucking) get up on my lap so you can tell me what you want." Great -- I didn't mean to sound like a complete pedophile. Horse face eyes me suspiciously then turns to his friends,

 

"Uhh Marco, are you sure this guy is -" I stop the brat mid-sentence when I shoot him a threatening glare. Obviously frightened, he scurries to sit up beside freckles. I rub my temples and try to sound at least a bit genuine,

 

"Alright Marco, what would you like for Christmas?"

 

"How do you know our names!?" Why can't he just answer the goddamn question. 

 

"I'm Santa, so I know every brats name." I'll take the mystical course of action (self five.) Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea cause telling by the smirk on Jeany's face, he's not falling for my shit.

 

"If you know _every_ child's name, what's that kids name then?" He asks, feigning innocence. I fucking hate this brat. I follow his pointed finger in the direction of some runt wearing a 'Santa's little helper' shirt. I better just bullshit this,

 

"That's not a kid. She's an (uhhhhh) elf. Disguised as a kid. She's Undercover." Smooth Levi -- smooth as fucking pine needles. For a moment horse face looks utterly taken aback, then just pissed off. I could swear Marco was so excited, his freckles lit up like Christmas lights,

 

"I had no idea elves could be spies! I've decided Santa -- I want to be an elf spy for Christmas!" 

 

Fucking shitty brats and their ass-hat dreams, I'm gonna fucking, "That's very admirable kid, but that's not possible." 

 

"Why not Santa?" No. No no no. Now he's giving me the puppy dog face. If he tears up I'm screwed,

 

"Hey! Is that my son Marco you're bothering!? I won't tolerate my son being mistreated by some good-for-nothing jobless buffoon!" I look up and see one of the mother's in the crowd singling me out. I'm a fucking lawyer for gods sakes.

 

"C'mon lady, I'm doing nothing wrong here, just setting your son straight." And by that I mean that your son can't be a fucking elf.

 

"Marco's my baby! He's only 6 and a half and has the right to believe whatever he wants. You have _no_ right to ruin his childhood dreams." I was just _trying_ to make things easier for the brat so he wouldn't wake up on Christmas disappointed, but if this women would rather I make her Christmas Hell, fine by me.

 

"You know what Marco, I think I can make an exception. I'll be sure to make you an elf on Christmas day, so let's just get this picture," I motion the camera man to hurry up, * _click_ * "And there. Have a good holiday Horse face, Freckles. Can't wait to see you at my workshop." The look on the kids mother's face is priceless when Marco tells her that he expects to be driven to the North Pole on Christmas Day.

 

Take that bitch.

 

"HOLY MACKEREL." Why the fuck is Jeany still on my lap? 

 

"Dude, I know you're not really Santa, but can I have _her_ for Christmas?" I turn my head and see some dark haired Asian girl next in line. She looks slightly older than horse face, and she's no doubt prettier.

 

"Sorry kid, but even I know she's out of your league." Of course the brat ignores me. Jeany jumps off my lap and gives the other blonde girl as holler,

 

"Hey Annie! Sorry, but I found a new girl I wanna marry!"

 

"Praise the lord, it's a Christmas miracle." She drawls blankly. I'm starting to like this kid.

 

I see the little Asian girl dragging her younger friend past the gate. The boy looks like some sort of bleached mushroom. That kids hairdresser belongs in hell. Horse face steps right in front of her and says,

 

"Hey, can I take a picture of you? I wanna show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas." This girl is just as impassive as the blonde chick, if not more so.

 

"Sorry, I don't date five year olds." Horse face sputters,

 

"I'm seven! And since you think you're so mature, how old are you?"

 

"Eight and a half." She states confidently. 

 

"Well... I always _have_ been into older women." I roll my eyes in distaste. 

 

"Alright, hurry up over there I don't have all day." I hear the blonde whimper as the dark haired girl drags him over. 

 

"Aren't you a bit short to be Santa?" HERE WE GO AGAIN.

 

"I'll have you know media isn't right about everything missy. As you can see, I am no where near as fat as the ads say." The girl furrows her brow and mutters something I can't quite catch. Tired of waiting I order a bit too loudly,

 

"Hey, Aryan coconut. Let go of your girlfriends hand and get over here." I see the brat flinch, he gives me this look as if asking _'are you talking to me?'_

 

"Is there anyone else around with a haircut as fucked up as yours? Well, besides that Jeany kid. Parents these days have no sense in fashion." The boy slowly makes his way over, obviously intimidated by my glare, until the Asian girl stops him. 

 

"Wait. I'm not going without Eren." That's when I hear a pathetic whine from behind the entrance,

 

"But _mooooom_!"

 

"No _buts_ Eren. You promised Mikasa and Armin you would get a picture of Santa with them -- be a good older brother and keep your word."

 

"I said I would _go_ with you guys. NOT SIT ON SANTA'S LAP WITH THEM. I'm 17 goddammit."  There are a few snickers throughout the crowd and the brat looks like he's gonna die of embarrassment.  The dark haired girl runs over to the boy and drags him through the gate,

 

"Hurry up Eren! I'm sure Santa won't mind that you're taller than him." On second thought, forget about horse face -- I'd much rather strangle this brat. So-called Eren cocks his head in my direction and I can't help but check the brat out. The boy is definitely a lot younger than he looks -- with his chiseled jaw and broad stature, I would've guessed he was at least legal. Scratch that. His eyes are fucking huge. I thought only babies could have that eye-to-face ratio. The weird thing is that while it should be creepy, he just makes it work. He's fucking adorable, and my gaydar tells me that I gotta tap that. He looks at me quizzically before saying,

 

"Dude, you looking _nothing_ like Santa Claus. How the fuck did you even get this job? You look way too young." I just shrug, then throw him a smirk,

 

"Says you kid. Aren't you a bit too _old_ to believe in Old St. Nick?" Now the kids blushing -- how cute. I get caught off guard when his lips curl into the most beautiful smile I've ever laid eyes on. His youthful face brightens as he answers,

 

"Well let's just say I'm a rebel without a _Claus_." 

 

"You did not just use a pun." I deadpan.

 

"What? I can't help it! My siblings love them, isn't that right guys?" I look down to see the two children both shake their heads in distaste. I can't help but let out a snort. This kid will be the death of me.

 

"Sorry for being curious, but siblings?" Eren tilts his head in confusion, then his face lights up in understanding.

 

"Mikasa and Armin here are adopted. Of course I love them just the same." The kids smiles gently, and I can't help but share the expression. I might hate kids, but I have to admit that the relationship between the three siblings is pretty heart-warming. You know who else is pretty? _Eren._

 

"Alright brats, get your asses over here." Now Eren looks scared,

 

"You don't actually expect me to sit on your lap do you? That has to count as some sort of sexual harassment." I raise a brow,

 

"I'm 25 kid. Not some old child molester." At that statement, the kid makes his eyes look like they're gonna pop right out of his face.

 

"You gotta be kidding me! Don't you have to be at least 50 to work as a mall Santa!?" I give a little tug at my artificial beard,

 

"This baby hides a lot more than you think kid. Oh and just so you know, I'm a lot more attractive when I'm not stuffed with body pillows." All of a sudden the brat looks a lot more fidgety -- hopefully that's a good sign. That mushroom brother of his start to tug at his worn jeans and Eren turns to see a quivering Armin,

 

"So does that mean Santa isn't real?" Shit. I completely forgot about those two. Blondie's eyes are now as wide as his brothers, rimmed with big fat tears. Just as I thought I had totally ruined my chances with Eren, Mikasa starts to giggle,

 

"Look at the guys face. He _so_ thinks he's screwed." Wow language much? Not that I have any right to complain. Eren gives me a look of sympathy as he ruffles Armin's hair. 

 

"Armin, cut the crap. We're well aware you don't believe in Santa." He turns in my direction,

 

"Sorry man. My kid brother is _way_ too smart to believe in flying sleds and reindeer. He's only five and he's the one that broke the news to Mikasa-"

 

"And I still don't forgive him." The girl pouted. I guess my look of relief was evident since the trio started to laugh even louder. 

 

"Yeah, picking on the fat guy, real classy kids. Also, the name's Levi. Now how about you tell me what you brats want for Christmas?" Mikasa jumps on my lap like she owns it (Damn she's heavy) and states,

 

"I want a new punching bag. Ideally one filled with sand so it won't break this time." I hold a whole new level of respect for this brat now -- I'd probably be scared if I wasn't a previous thug myself. 

 

"Sure kid, till then just use your older brother as a substitute." 

 

"Hey! Don't give her any ideas." ~~Why can't I just bend this kid over my sled and take him.~~

 

"How about you blonde mushroom? Anything you want?" The kid looks like he's about to explain to me that Santa isn't real (Which I obviously already fucking know,) but he fortunately stops himself the second I shoot him a questioning glare.

 

"I guess a knew lens for my telescope would be nice. I'm really interested in space. It's Eren and I's dream to see things out of this world!" I give the kid a small smile,

 

"Oh really? Well I'm rooting for you kid."

 

On the count of three we get a picture and Eren's just about to leave when I call out to him,

 

"You never told me what you wanted for Christmas bright eyes. Just so you know, my best toys run on batteries." I throw the kid a sensual smirk, and I guess even with the beard taking away the majority of my sex appeal he still gets the message. His cheeks turn a deep shade of red as he sputters,

 

"You better not be suggesting what I think you are!" So cute.

 

"Well is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way." Now the kids hiding his face in the crook of his arm.

 

"My mom's right there you asshole. And I thought you said that Christmas puns are _lame_." I scoff before countering,

 

"Puns are no doubt lame, but you can never go wrong of a good pick up line." Eren bites his lip, contemplating what he should do. I better encourage him,

 

"C'mon kid. I'd love to show you the toys my elves make for _adults_."

 

"OH MY GOD LEVI!" 

 

"Yeah that's right, scream my name." I think I'm gonna break the poor brat.

 

"Don't get your panties in a twist, I'm just kidding. I was serious about going out though." Eren turns to look at his mom then back in my direction. He grabs my shoulder and whispers,

 

"I gotta go home now, but I'll come back at around eight. Meet you at the front entrance." I'm really starting to like this kid.

 

 

***

 

It's a quarter past eight when Eren shows up.

 

"You're late."

 

"But for good reason." He replies smugly. He reaches in one of his shopping bags and holds up a bright red sweater,

 

" _Jingle My Bells --_  Really Eren?" The brat grins proudly,

 

"When I saw it, I thought of you. I couldn't help but buy it."

 

"You're one of those Christmas fanatics aren't you? What have I gotten myself into." 

 

"So what if I am? I like what makes me happy, and I guess that's why I like you." No it's my turn to blush. I try to hide how flustered I am through a short cough, but I somehow manage to make myself look even worse. I notice the kid checking me out and can't help but comment,

 

"Like what you see?" The kid looks taken aback,

 

"What! No, I mean yes! It's just that I've never actually seen you without the Santa suit."

 

"Oh? And what do you think?"

 

"I think you're really hot." He answers daringly.

 

"The feelings mutual kid," and I guess tonight is a night of taking risks, "It's not that late. Wanna go for coffee? It's on me." At this the brat beams. 

 

"Only if you wear the sweater." Cheeky brat.

 

Maybe, just _maybe_ , Christmas won't be so shitty after all.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked it! Sorry I'm not an experienced writer and I have no idea if any of this was funny. Please comment, kudos and share! I'd really appreciate feedback <3
> 
> Thank you so much to the people who read this all the way through.


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